Breastfeeding.

Let’s start off by saying I wasn’t prepared to breastfeed at all. I didn’t think I would be able to. Both my mother and grandmother couldn’t, not one drop of milk ever came out. I figured I would be the same way. There is no way of knowing whether I would have a milk supply or not before labor and delivery. I skimmed through breastfeeding material thinking it wouldn’t apply to me. I was planning on formula feeding and was perfectly fine with it. I was formula fed and I turned out fine.

At the hospital I was asked if I was planning on breastfeeding, I told the nurses I would try, not fully understanding what I was getting myself into. A few hours after Lyla arrived, the nurse encouraged me to try to breastfeed. At this point all Lyla needed were a few drops of colostrum (stuff that comes out before milk comes in). I tried and she tried to latch, but it was painful. We would feed pretty often. I figured she was getting all the food she needed. She cried a lot those first two nights in the hospital. She didn’t cry at all when we had visitors. We were so ready to go home, but Lyla had lost some weight and I felt like we weren’t getting the breastfeeding just right. We asked for a lactation consultant to come help us out and give us some tips. She was super helpful, but did want us to see the pediatrician the next day since Lyla had lost weight. We made an appointment right away. The next day Lyla had lost even more weight. She was now in the 4lbs range. She was already tiny to begin with! When your breastfeeding you never know how much your baby is eating and we were realizing Lyla wasn’t getting enough.

My milk came in about 3 days after giving birth. Holy pain! I had no idea what engorgement was and let me tell you it was awful.. My boobs had already grown quite a bit during pregnancy, but once my milk came in they were HUGE! Unfortunately, they get super hard and painful. I would pump to relieve some of the pain due to the how much milk I was producing. I googled tips to help move engorgement along and relieve the pain. I iced, I drank lots of water, I pumped (but you can’t pump too much because or else you start telling your body your baby needs even more milk). I started to get clogs in my milk ducts because I was producing so much milk.

The pediatrician recommended seeing another lactation consultant to try to figure out why Lyla wasn’t getting the right amount of milk. We made an appointment. My mom took Lyla and I to this appointment, I took a week off from driving after I gave birth. Lactation consultants are a gift from God. Our time with her was so helpful and informative! We figured out Lyla’s mouth was too tiny to get a good latch. She brought out a nipple shield. I had no idea what a nipple shield even was before breastfeeding. It was so helpful, Lyla was able to eat so well after getting all the necessary supplies. I ended up purchasing a nursing stool, a nursing pillow (my breast friend), more nipple shields, and nipple cream. I felt as if I was set up for success. Lyla was definitely getting enough food. I, on the other hand, was a complete mess.

Hate is a strong word, but I was hating breast feeding. I kept reading articles about how women absolutely loved breastfeeding, enjoyed and bonded with their baby, and got some sort of high from being able to feed their baby. I didn’t feel any of those. I wasn’t feeling bonded with Lyla at all. I was in constant pain. I just felt like a cow.

One night Garrett and I were hanging out, I was pumping and I started crying. Garrett thought he had done something wrong (so sweet), but no I was so over sharing my body. That may sound selfish, but I wasn’t mentally prepared to breastfeed. I figured once she came out I wouldn’t have to share my body with her anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved having her inside me and being able to protect her that way, but once she was out I thought we were good haha. Anyway, I finally told Garrett I was not enjoying pumping or breastfeeding. I felt so guilty. My mom and my grandma couldn’t breastfeed because milk never came out and I’m producing more than I need and hating the process. Garrett comforted me and told me it was okay to stop. He made sure I knew that bonding with Lyla was important. Formula isn’t bad. The bad part was not enjoying this hard, but beautiful process. I breastfed Lyla for one month and stopped. We made the switch to formula. She is healthy and growing with no issues.

I had so many women tell me to breastfeed because it was the greatest thing. Once my milk came in I felt like I should at least try. I did and it just wasn’t for me. Now I’m formula feeding, actually bonding with my baby, and feeling like my best self for Garrett and Lyla.

Whatever works best for that mama and that baby that’s what they should do. We gotta stop setting expectations about how a mama should feed her child. We have to start being extra supportive of whatever decision a family makes for their baby, even if we don’t agree. Raising a little one is hard enough. We don’t need the judgement or unsolicited advice.